But what if I can't?

Dearest Chrissy,

It was a 8 days ago that I heard some news that shattered my heart and stopped me right in my tracks. Days before, I'd heard news of a homicide in the small, nearby town of Poulsbo. Sadly, with the current climate of the world and the uptick in violence across our state and our nation, I wasn't surprised by the news. But fast forward 2 days, I received the news that it was your dad that was the victim. And the weight of the world immediately took my breath away. Questions flooded my mind...Are you OK? Were you there when it happened? How much of this life of addiction and crime had you been exposed to? Were there thing that are far beyond my comprehension that you've experienced in your three short years here on earth? And the tears started to flow as I prayed for your sweet life. For the goodness of God to intervene. For the promises of God - all that I know and trust to be true - to not fail now. In an instant I was right back on my knees begging for your life as I had so many times before. But this time the urgency was even greater. And the weight of that moment was even heavier.

Later that week we attended an auction for GO on the Mission - an organization that emphasizes  child sponsorship and works toward opening schools in third world countries to provide greater opportunities to marginalized populations. While sitting in that seat, listening to stories of victory and stories of need, my tears wouldn't stop flowing. The theme of the evening came from Matthew 25 - "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger to you and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'...The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Chrissy, everything in my heart wants to rescue you. To hold you in my arms and know that you're safe. But I can't. The truth is, I don't know where you are or if you're OK. I'll never know what you've been through or what you've experienced. And I'm wrestling with Jesus because he's asking me to do just that. But what if I can't? What if I'm helpless against a system that I don't trust. What if I failed you? What if I could have done more?

So, I do the only thing I know to do. I place my trust in the only hope I know...in the only one that can hold you and know that you're safe and continually protect your precious life. And I sing the song over you that I did every night for the 10 months that you were in my arms. And the song that I wrote out for your dad and prayed over his life as well.

The Blessing...

The Lord bless you and keep you
Make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace

May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children

May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, he is with you

In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, he is for you

Here I am Lord. In all of my imperfections and shortcomings. With all of my talents and passions laid at the foot of the cross to use for your glory. My hearts desire is to serve you. To love deeply. To give freely. To feed the hungry. To clothe the poor. To invite people in with open arms. And to lay them at your feet. Jesus, its your love that compels us. And when I feel helpless, your power is great. So Jesus, draw near. Save sweet Chrissy from this life of addiction to a beautiful life of loving and serving you. Jesus, thank you for hope. For promises that are true and a love that passionately pursues your children. Be near to the brokenhearted. Draw near to Chrissy. Wrap her in your arms and surround her with peace, love, hope, and unshakeable faith.

Amen.